Thursday, 16 January 2014

In which I list the people I hate in the gym

Anyone there in January who doesn’t come at least twice a month for the rest of the year. We know who you are, bandwagon-jumpers.

Men whose eyes blatantly follow any female bottom as it walks through the weights room. Not in a million years, buddy.

Women sitting idly on the machines playing with their phones. FUCK OFF AND WONDER WHY HE’S NOT TEXTED YOU ELSEWHERE.

Women on machines, staring into the middle distance exerting absolutely no effort whatsoever. At least the idiot macho grunting guys are actually doing something.

Idiot macho grunting guys. If the machine has that effect on you, get a room.

Men who use machines straight after you, putting the weights up tenfold with nauseating smugness.

Men who stand behind you while you’re using a machine, an expression of “this isn’t for little girls” etched all over their faces, who get on after you and then don’t change the weights an iota. Dicks.

Anyone not breaking the faintest hint of a sweat while on a treadmill. GET OUT OF THE GYM AND GO FOR A WALK.

The nudist on display in the changing room. There is literally no need to dry your hair naked.

Men who devote their lives to the pursuit of gargantuan arms and forget the existence of their legs in the process.

The two guys blatantly eyeing each other up over the free weights. Get out of the gym and onto a date already.

People who bring their bags into the gym and leave them to be fallen over at the end of the treadmill. Locker. Room.

The girl who finds it acceptable to sporadically sing random – and entirely tuneless – snatches of songs at the top of her voice while on the cross-trainer.

Grunty guy whose intermittent yelps of strenuous effort and apparent pain put you off your stride with the dear he might be having a stroke.

Men who sneer while you wait for a yoga class. And when, precisely, did you last even touch your toes? 


Anonymous said...

Ugh, all of these.

My personal pet hates are those who don't wipe down a machine after they've used it, and the girls who come in with full makeup and take up the cross-trainers/treadmills for ages without actually exercising.


nuttycow said...

I don't get these women who can sit on the bike and read. What are you doing woman? 3km in half an hour is not exercise.

I am yet to experience weights yet. I'm a little scared. (plus, it's a work gym - I don't want people to laugh at me struggling with 1kg dumbbells!)

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Lotty Bell said...

The naked lady is one of the reasons I didn't shower at the gym and just grabbed my stuff and went home. No need!

sarahduggers said...

Never mind the naked hair blow drying, it's the PUBE. BLOW. DRYING. that I just cannot deal with...

Alicia Foodycat said...

James Joseph is a valuable addition to your commentariat.

Amy said...

Yup. This post reinforces it. I am NEVER GOING TO A GYM. Firstly, I'd hate everyone. Secondly, everyone would hate me. Am going to sit on the sofa and watch cooking shows instead.

rachelengland said...

Spot on, Blonde. Also, people that don't use the machines properly (shit rowing technique or bizarre and haphazard weight pulling) but look at you like they're the king of fitness and make a big show of theatrical puffing and panting. Tossers.

Marcheline said...

I don't hate anyone at the gym. Main reason? I don't go to the gym. I do crunches leaning forward on the couch to grab my glass of wine and bowl of popcorn while watching reruns of Sherlock, and I burn extra calories getting all excited about when Season 3 will come out on DVD. *wink*

Amanda-Jaied McCahery said...

All of these people frequent my gym BUT I have a sneaking suspicion that many of them hate me too...I look like a gym bunny, not through choice but because of the sheer fact that I CANNOT SWEAT! I work out like a beast, I run hard, I cycle harder and I do everything my body will let me do but do not break a sweat. So please don't hate me, people of the gym world.

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