Tuesday, 17 July 2012

In which I learn at Latitude

I am at least ten years too old to be in the first ten rows of a Metronomy set.

Having a festival companion of some considerable height is useful when looking for him in a crowded field.

Having a festival companion of some considerable height will ensure youre subject to vast grumbles from everyone standing in the six feet of space behind you.

If “media drinks” start in the press tent at 5pm, theyll have been devoured by 5.02pm. Don’t expect there to be any gin and tonic left if you rock up at 5.05pm.

M&S pre-made gin and tonic in a can is STRONG stuff.

Kebabylon might just be the best name for a fast food truck in the history of ever.

Some festivals attract such a certain type of intellectually curious person that there will be more people crammed into a tent to hear a Radio 4-hosted discussion on whether science needs art, and the discovery of the Higgs Boson than to see Tim Minchin. It probably says something about me that I am cheered no end by this fact.

You can pitch your tent in as compact a space as you can find: you’ll still come back in the middle of the night to find a group of grubby boys have found a way to squeeze theirs into the smallest space next to yours, affording you no privacy whatsoever, and ensuring total guy rope entanglement.

Augustus and chums (no, really) will spend a good 45 minutes at 4am discussing - at length - any or all of the following: that they should have brought kindles because reading by torchlight is, like, SO not cool. That Tom has MDMA and ketamine if anyone wants any. The whereabouts of the peanut butter.

Some people will insist on mispronouncing artists’ names even when the artist in question has come out and announced themselves, thus removing any doubt (FYI: it’s Bon Ee-verre, as in French, not Bon Eye-vuh, as in wrong).

Lana del Rey incites teenage screaming the likes of which I assumed was reserved for Beiber.

There is an inexplicably large proportion of any audience that seems intent to experience any set through the medium of their iPhone / camera screen.

Pop-up tents aren’t made to withstand torrential rain.

Once said torrential rain starts coming through the roof of the tent, through the sides of the tent, and leaking in through the seams at the bottom, it’s highly unlikely you’ll be able to sleep for more than ten minutes at a time due to your sleeping bags resembling dishcloths. Deciding at 6am that you can’t take any more and then having to pull on wet jeans, wet jumpers and wet socks do not a happy festival-goer make.

The Writer has such status and sway at these things that he now has his own bridge.

My future attendance at any festival whatsoever will be predicated on there being sufficient waterproofing. Of everything. And if that could stretch to the bottom of the clouds for the duration of my stay in a field, that’d be grand.


HC said...

Just looked at the line-ups for this concert and its phenomenal! So many new bands, I would not have left the Word Arena or i-Arena the entire time. Very jealous. Did you have a favourite?

Blonde said...

HC: If you get a chance, you should go. Very child-friendly, too, if that's a consideration. Bon Iver was brilliant, and Doc Brown was hysterical - anyone who can rap on the perfect cup of tea is a genius in my book.

HC said...

Baby-HC can stay at home, if it's not "In the Night Garden", then it's shit from her point of view. There's probably some mileage to that though... Don't know Doc Brown (apart from Back to the Future...) but I do like a bit of Skinny Love from time to time. In a time of a cruddy concerts, this one looks the cream!

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Re: G&T in a tin - YES. Brilliant stuff, it's basically drunk in a can, as I found out while spectating at the London marathon this year. Hic.

I've yet to go to a festival and stay the night. The above points pretty much sum up why.

(good fun, brilliant, great experience etc etc aside) x

Blonde said...

HC: Ah, fair play. A lady of taste. Doc Brown is hugely worth looking up if you're a comedy fan. Definitely one of the nicest festivals I've been to.

PDEWYMO: It's amazing, no?! Who knew? And you know - you might just have the right idea with the indoor-only festivaling.

Martin said...

I never understood the difference between "waterproof" and "water resistant" until I went to my first festival. Big difference. I know this now.

Sounds like Augustus needs a good slap, not least because Kindle's aren't backlit so he'd still need his sodding torch.

Helen said...

M&S gininacan is wonderful stuff. I discovered this on a christmas night out with Sammy last year.

Having been to 7 Glastonburys, only one of which was completely dry, I concur with pretty much everything you've raised re: waterproofing. 5 days of solid rain was the lowest point of my twenties.

thechickenshop said...

Oh yes, M&S Booze-in-a-can is grand.

Honestly, I'd love to say I'd go to something like this but I think getting rained on in a tent would make me have a hissy fit!

Blonde said...

Martin: There is indeed a vast and incredibly important difference. Augustus really was a total prat - drugged up or not.

Helen: I just don't like being wet. It's a conclusion I've come to that I don't think will change.

Blonde said...

Thechickenshop: Go - do. They're great fun. Just book a B&B for the nights...

Katie Khan / Awkward Situations For Girls said...

The trick with a pop-up tent is to never touch the sides. Not your bags, feet, head - nothing can touch the side of the tent, as it immediately draws in the water. (And never, ever sleep on the floor of a pop-up tent - always take a blow-up mattress. That keeps you dry.) Loved your learnings, I'm writing a photo hazard awareness guide to festivals this week so we should compare notes!

cara waters said...

Ah sounds like you had a true British festival experience. Brings back happy memories of knee deep mud at Bestival and Glastonbury.

Cunarder said...

Entertaining post. Was there, and have been since Latitudes inception in 06. We love it because it is not predominantly full of drunk idiots (although there have been a few creeping in recently). Thankfully the arts remains as top quality as ever and this year the Infinite Monkey Cage was interesting, but not as good as Brigstocks Early Edition. We will continue to love it as long as they continue to keep the luvvies in and the yobs out. I've as always, waffled too long. Nice to make your acquaintance. An excellent blog space too. :)

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