Monday, 16 January 2012

In which search terms are terrifying things

When I started this blog’s predecessor over (erk) six years ago in another corner of the internet, I didn’t for a second think that anyone else would ever want to read it. I wrote for myself to catalogue the things that were happening to me whilst I was at university, from the male-shaped disasters to the shoe-shaped ones.

But gradually, readers started to trickle in, and now it seems there are a few of you (to whom I would like to say a whopping great thank you) who come back repeatedly. But there are others who apparently stumble on these pages by accident having gone to Google over the past 12 months for a little advice. And, being the generous-spirited gal that I am, I’d like to provide them with such…

Black suit to Sandhurst ball
Gods above I hope you don’t mean you’re planning to wear a lounge suit. Strictly black tie or mess dress only.

Why am I not married with children by now?
I don’t know. But it’s okay that you’re not, you know. It doesn’t make you a lesser human being.

Christina Hendrick’s bum
You and all mankind, my love.

Well-mannered educated charming Englishmen
They’re sadly not as prevalent as you’d like. If you find one, hang on to ‘em. I snared mine through shared opinions on genocide-related literature and gin. True story.

Sex at61 overse xed older gentl emen
I’m not sure what to say to that, other than that you seem to need to have a quick word with your spacebar.

Rupert Penry Jones
You and all womankind, my love.

No one get married in a castle unless they own it
Ah, you’re after that email, are you? Full text here.

Pictures of middle age friends having group sex after dinner
I know people make assumptions that everyone in the Home Counties is at the swinging thing like the Queen is at gin, but a) I’m not middle-aged and b) I’d hardly post those sorts of pictures on the internet, would I?

How can I carry my things to and from the office?
Controversial as it is, I favour a bag.

Hot blooded heterosexual woman
Why, yes I am. Not sure searching for one on the internet with such specificity is going to work, though.

Fall flat on my face because of high heels
We’ve all been there. Practise, practise, practise. And a little prayer.

First date one-sided conversation
Don’t let him have a second.

Is holding a door for someone sexist?
No, no, no – dear gods. No.

How to play it cool with her
Don’t. If you like her, why bother playing it cool? Grow a pair and be a bit more upfront. Real men don’t play games.

There’s something about a man holding open a door
There’s also something about Mary. Probably not the same thing, though.

4 comments:

Redbookish said...

>>
Fall flat on my face because of high heels <<

You know they call wedge shoes 'high heels with trainer wheels.'

Blonde said...

Red: Hah! No, I'd not heard that. Makes sense, though.

Gourmet Chick said...

Search terms are so weird but strangely fascinating to read aren't they? Given I write about food I get a surprising amount of sex related search terms so not super surprised about some of the strange ones you are getting there!

Blonde said...

GC: They're bizarre. I don't like to think of the mental state of a lot of people out there.

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