Monday, 18 October 2010

In which I'm dating a decent chap but am distracted by pointless niggles

It was over a bottle of red and a much-needed gossiping session with JournoGal that I found myself extolling the virtues of a man I’ve been on a couple of dates with - without sounding utterly rapt by the situation.

“You’re not blown away, are you?” She said as I refilled our glasses.

“It’s not that,” I said, wondering how much booze is really wise on a weekday before dismissing my doubt under a haze of man the hell up. “It’s just that… well, there are a couple of things that, if I were designing one from spec, I wouldn’t choose to have in a man.”

“Oh. Such as…?”

I reeled off a short list, each item less consequential in the grand scheme than the previous.

By the time I’d finished, and watched JournoGal’s expression as I ‘fessed up, I felt like the world’s judgiest, most superficial woman, and a frightful snob somewhere on a par with Hyacinth Bucket.

“So you see, they’re absolutely not important,” I urged to JournoGal, getting more fervent as the Merlot took hold. “And I’m trying, I mean, really trying, not to let them get to me, because frankly, if I’m going to write someone off for such petty crimes, then I deserve to be single for the rest of my life.”

Which isn’t too far from the truth.

The niggles I’m talking about are so small as to be entirely unimportant when one considers that the chap in question is kind and good-looking; makes me laugh until my face hurts; exceptionally generous; intelligent, and able to have nuanced political discussions; a mean cook with an apparently unsurpassable roast pork belly (meh) and utterly divine chocolate fondant (now we’re talking); and makes me feel like the only woman in the room.

And yet, I can’t help but be distracted by the fact that he’s only an inch or so taller than I am when I’m in heels (skyscrapers, admittedly, but still… an inch).

Distracted that I find his voice just a touch nasally.

That he’s turned up to a date in a polo shirt (there is no excuse for wearing polo shirts unless one’s actually aboard a polo pony).

That I think he wears a necklace (jewellery looks good on no man. Wedding and signet rings are the only acceptable forms of male jewellery).

And that’s it. Those are my niggles. Those, and the fact that he reckons my recent dismal failures at baking macaroons are down to the fact that I must be doing something terribly wrong and he’s convinced he can better my efforts. I’ll go wild if he does.

And so, in the name of Dating Nice Boys, I’m trying to be the bigger person, to overlook the niggles, not to cut off my nose simply because he's not as tall as the last few have been (and let’s face it: we know how they’ve gone). And possibly pick up some tips on baking in the process.


theperpetualspiral said...

I cannot comment, as I once stopped seeing a girl because when kissing it felt like I was kissing a caterpillar. Urgh, I find myself shuddering just thinking about it again.

Will said...

Disagree on male jewellry - it's all about the cufflinks and nice watch.

Agree on the necklace/chain point. Urgh.

swashbuckled said...

Reaction to jewellery confuses me from male > female side too. Particularly being instinctively disgusted by an item when I ostensibly have no opinion on jewellery of any kind, (besides feeling instantly alienated by / distanced from men who wear necklaces - particularly those tight traveller efforts which kinda make me want to squeeze the neck it's clinging around. Or anything that screams 'spirituality, man.')

Was once warming to a female when she turned up in a hideous tourquoise beaded necklace thing which made my stomach turn and my heart sink. I couldn't take my eyes off it. It was revolting. I think she thought I kept looking at her boobs.

Blonde said...

TPS: HAH! Good to know that I'm not the only horribly shallow person out there...

Will: Ah, y'see, I would argue that cufflinks and watches aren't jewellery, and are, for the record, both acceptable and lovely, when done well.

Swashbuckled: Yikes - that is a strong reaction. And not one that makes me at all paranoid as to stuff I wear... Erk.

waterwing said...

I totally understand the "niggles" and they are with good cause BUT also.. some of them can be changed.. maybe he's just a victim of bad girlfriends.. I know we shouldn't try to "change" men but we can give them a few pointers...?

JournoGal said...

Gosh, was my expression that bad?!

I completely understand where you are coming from, but I just think that occasionally we have to push our boundaries. I went out with a man who was almost fatally allergic to the countryside, dogs and horses and we had some good times.

Just good times that did not involve grass, bloodhounds or equids. It would have never lasted!

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

There are little things that bug us, and there are deal breakers. The good thing is that you're not describing anything I'd consider the latter. Although to be fair, I'd take a bloke in jeans and a nice polo shirt over someone who turned up suited and booted any day.

Then again, I did once dump a boy because I couldn't get past the fact, although he was good looking and very nice, that he had a slightly protruding chin. I even put him in my phone as 'Big chin Chris'.

(That wasn't the reason I gave when calling it off. But it was the reason.)

Blonde said...

Waterwing: You're not the first person to have suggested that...

JG: Heh. You didn't look UNhorrified, put it that way. And we should, exactly. Which is why it continues.

PDEWYMO: Between you, me, Perp and Swashbuckled, there's quite a litany of stuff we consider dumpable offences. I'd say it was a bad thing, but I'm so glad to know you lot are as judgy as I am.

theperpetualspiral said...

I am frankly relieved that there are other people who are seemingly as shallow out there.

Mike said...

We're seeing the trees and not the forest. It's not the polo shirt, which could be changed. It's not the slightly nasally voice, which cannot be changed, at least not easily. It's that, overall, he just isn't it for you.

Maybe the bigger issue is figuring out exactly what you do want in a man. Figure out some basics and also think about what flaws you can tolerate to get the really important attributes.

Hopefully there's someone out there that will absolutely thrill you from the moment you meet--like FabCanadian did for me. And the overall attraction and fit is so powerful that the other stuff (and by that I mean the stuff about me that must bother her) just falls by the wayside.

laurenne said...

I think if he were the right one, you wouldn't notice those things. My boyfriend wears a gold necklace (the horror!) AND he has a TON of back hair. And it doesn't bother me! Whereas it really would have if it were any other guy.

Keep on dating.

P said...

Guy necklaces scare me.

I once had an ill advised fling with a colleague who wore a necklace, earring and quite a few rings. That should probably have tipped me off...

Blonde said...

TPS: Amen, my friend.

Mike: My judgment in men has recently appeared to be severely flawed. The ones that have thrilled from the off have turned out to be Bad Decisions. Hence the new approach.

Laurenne: Hmm. An interesting take on it... And another dimension to add to the mix. Hmm.

P: Oooh - that IS rather a lot of bling. Maybe you were blinded into it.

jman said...

It may be that as you get to know the chap better you will cease seeing or hearing the niggles; in fact they may become endearing. Or as I sometimes like to say "Love is when even the things about your partner which drive you bonkers (in an annoyed, not over the moon, way)you still find endearing." I hope you are giving it time. Maybe he will overcome his niggles about you as well (although what they could possibly be escape me).

Zstep said...

jman, with all due respect, I doubt our favorite Blonde will stop seeing "short". If I remember correctly, she is somewhere around 5'2" so with massive heels she's 5'5" or 5'6" tops. That means she is dating a nasally voiced midget. If he has orange hair there is a 64% chance he is an Oompa Loompa in disguise.

Ok, I am done being mean.

nuttycow said...

Nasel voice? Not that tall? *sigh* two things I can't deal with. However, if he makes you laugh and pays you attention, that's got to be a good thing, right?

PS Necklaces on a man are never right. Ever.

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