Tuesday, 11 May 2010

In which I'm groundhog dating

I’m a gal who tries to learn from her experiences. It’s a necessary way to progress through life when one makes as many mistakes as I do.

Which is why I’ve come to the conclusion that another criterion needs to be added to the list of questions that get fired at Potential Man when on date one.

Currently the list of criteria they have to meet stands at straight, single, and - to all intents and purposes - sober. A question to be added to the list, which irritatingly will ruin the alliterative thing it has going is: is there any attachment, at all, in any way, shape or form, to your ex-girlfriend?

Because, my friends, if there is, I shall run as fast as my heels will carry me, kicking and screaming, from anything to do with the boy.

A thoroughly enjoyable second date with The Planner happened recently, in a small, pleasantly uncrowded wine bar in Leicester Square. We shared a couple of bottles of decent French red; plenty of good conversation and an excellently squishy tiramisu.

However, my thinking that this might prove promising was roundly squished several days later, when TP called one weekday evening. Rather than arranging our next date, he threw into conversation those little words that no gal likes to hear:

“There’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”'

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

Yes, kids. Despite our having a great second date, in which we clicked, and laughed, and I began vaguely to entertain the notion that maybe, just maybe, my luck might be about to change, those magic little words cropped up.

Oh, for fuckitty fuck’s sake.

“Um, I got your message,” said PolitiGal on the phone, during a rare moment recently in which she was awake, but not in the office. “When you say ‘guess why’, you can’t possibly mean…?”

“Uh huh,” I said, stretching out on the new crisp, white bed-linen which, after a mere few hours under Colin’s paws was no longer crisp, nor white. “And I’m quite cross.”

This is the third time I’ve heard this particular excuse from the third man in as many months:

“It’s just, well, I don’t think I’m really over my ex-girlfriend.”

Surely no one hears that excuse three times in quick succession in such a short space of time? Maybe it’s actually just an excuse. After all, it does seem rather like the perfect get-out-of-jail-free card; it shows I’m warm and caring, they think, capable of emotional investment, and yet I still manage to get out of things by being the good guy, just a bit damaged.

But then, maybe it’s one of those “life is stranger than fiction” numbers (which I totally buy into, having had a text conversation with Minor Celeb the other day about the latest project he’s managed to get himself involved in. Stupid boy).

Whatever it is, it pisses me off. I appreciate that, by this point in life, all men are going to come with a little baggage - hell, I have enough of my own. But surely if one's baggage becomes so weighty that it’s less baggage than luggage, then surely it's time to pack in the dating for a while, until some of it's been offloaded?


HC said...

I have definitely used it before, but it's mainly because I am warm and caring. In fact all us men are fairly delicate souls really...

jman said...

It's called being careless with other people's feelings. And that, dear blonde, does not a nice guy make. On the other hand at least this one didn't let it get as far as SN did before coming to this realization at your expense.

Mike said...

I'd love to think they don't realize its an issue until they see that it could be really special with you...but it happens too consistently for that to be a likely answer. Absolutely you need to find a way to screen for it. In fact, you might want to address it in setting up first date when its easier to reject someone than after you've spent some time together. just sucks that they aren't honest up front.

Zstep said...

Hmmmmmm. Ahhhhhhh. Well...

Sorry Ms. B, I got nothing.

Brennig said...

Straight, single and sober? That's not much of a criteria, I don't understand how you're not up to your arse in boys. Mind you, I married a bisexual alcoholic girl who had two girlfriends when we met. Umm... not really, she wasn't an alcoholic. :)

roseski said...

Ooh you worry me. I've not asked mine about baggage... There better not be!

As jman said - it's better you know now rather than later down the line.

theperpetualspiral said...

I have to disagree slightly with jman, let me draw on recent experience to elaborate.

After my break up in November last year there followed a period of navel gazing, self contemplation and then resolve to move forwards after time had passed.

I eventually went out for a drink with someone, fully and completely in the believe that I was ready to move on. As soon as I sat down in the bar I realised that I simply wasn't ready. No slight on the girl, it was just that mentally, despite having thought to the contrary, I was nowhere near ready to meet someone. I did not realise that until I was sat down with them.

It takes different people different amounts of time to get over the grief of a relationship ending.

Maybe you just had a very bad run with three of them? Quite possibly they have thought that they are ready, yet in reality once they've started to date they have realised in fact that they are not?

Blonde said...

HC: Hmm. Your comment would suggest it's merely a useful excuse...

Jman: That's true enough. Moving in the right direction, hopefully.

Mike: Ah, so I'm not being overly cynical in thinking it's an excuse? Hmm. Bother.

Ztep: No, neither have I.

Bren: Well, that's a base line, but so many don't seem to be able to manage even that. Ho hum. Maybe I should move on to girls.

Roseski: I doubt you'll need to ask; it'll probably show itself if it's there!

Perp: Y'know, that is an excellently glass half full way of looking at things (which is a bizarre statement, given the circumstances). I'd rather believe that. And, fundamentally, they're all decent men: I'd like to think it's more my luck than their cowardice.

Emily said...

Wow. Whatever the reason for it, that is some unbelievably bad luck for you to hear that three times in a row.

Hamish said...

Sorry but no matter how much I am trying to ignore it, my eyes just go back to your comment to Bren.

"Maybe I should move on to girls"

Maybe you should add shallow Scots to your list.....

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