Monday, 26 April 2010

In which men in uniform play their cards in rather peculiar fashion

Any day the component parts of which include champagne (lots of), the opportunity to wear hot shoes (multiple pairs) and men in uniform (as many as you can shake a stick at) is likely to be a day I enjoy.

Which is just as well, as that was what was on offer at Renowned Military Academy when I went to see Speckled Lad commission into the Army.

Barring a slight hosiery issue and the non-starting car, the day started fabulously, with a couple of hours spent in the brisk spring sunshine watching strapping young men, all decked out in their finest, shiniest blues, marching up and down the parade square.

Of course, as impressive as it is that the Adjutant can get his horse to climb steps, the real event of the day was the Commissioning Ball.

Roulette, a fairground, dodgems, several hundred bars and a marquee decorated to look like its ceiling was covered in thousands of tiny stars were the backdrop for a truly fabulous night.

We were a fair way into the night when, whilst sitting at a table to give my feet five minutes’ rest from the day’s second pair of skyscraper heels, a new officer came up to me and asked me to dance.

He was tall, and attractive in that way that everyone in the room that night seemed to be. Mess dress, whilst leaving exceptionally little to the imagination to such an extent that a fair few boys were suffering from VBL (visible boxer lines), does add a whole new level of loveliness.

There was a little terrible dancing before one of his friends came up and tapped him on the shoulder. A good ten minutes followed in which I was interrogated in a manner of which the secret service would have been proud whilst it was ascertained that I was not, contrary to the rumour apparently circulating, Captain W---’s sister, and that it was okay to be flirting with me.

Drinks, dodgems and a little more dancing later, and Brand New Officer was brushing my hair away from my face.

“So, can I take you for lunch sometime?”

“Um, yes - that’d be nice,” I said slightly distracted, thinking that it should be compulsory for all men to wear mess dress, at all times.

“Can I give you my number?”

“I don’t have my phone with me,” I said, having left my clutch in the possession of one of Speckled Lad’s friends, also still resting her feet.

“Oh, don't worry, I have a card,” Brand New Officer said, reaching into his jacket.

Huh, I thought, slightly surprised. That’s rather organised and forward-thinking for an Army type.

He pulled his hand out of his inside pocket, and did indeed bring out a card. A playing a card. A six of hearts, in fact. A six of hearts on which he’d written his number in biro. But not just any six of hearts with his number on it in biro: a six of hearts from a pornographic deck illustrated with pictures of deeply unattractive, naked men displaying vile moustaches and viler penises.

Opinions amongst the gals have since been split between it being nose-wrinklingly sleazy that he came prepared with such specimens, and it being hysterical that he came prepared with such specimens.

I’m reserving judgement. But not calling.


nuttycow said...

I think it's odd that he had a card with his number already written on it (that suggests some level of presumption in the effectiveness of his mess dress) but I do think it's quite funny in a "tcha! men!" kind of way.

But you're right, of course, possibly not one which is likely to lead anywhere.

HC said...

If it had been just the 6 (what happened to 2,3,4 &5? of hearts, I would have merely vomited. If there are men going at it, fine, we live in a modern age, I suppose.

But moustaches??!!

And what makes a vile penis? Are they not all fairly vile in their own pulpy, dysmorphic way?

Caroline said...

Ok, I usually just read your blog and giggle uncontrollably to myslef, but that is just too precious not to comment on! (And I mean precious in the "moments to cherish in their rare absurdity" way, not in the "aww, your baby is precious" way!)

smidge said...

I actually think this is hysterical. But no. It certainly makes you remember him though...

Gordon said...

Haha. That's fantasticly strange/sleazy/funny. What did you say to him after he gave it to you (apart from 'huh?')?

Fluffy Pink Duck said...

Were there only pictures of tachs and penises? no lady bits?

Actually even if there were lady bits I think you're best not calling. Brand new officers do not tend to make the best dating material even if they can be tremendous fun.

jman said...

If that's his idea of roguish charm, then perhaps he should be placed into the category of things better left not done (both figuratively and literally).

Rage said...

Wow, that's special.

Leaving that aside, how come you were dancing and flirting with this guy rather than SL?

Helena Halme said...

This takes me back to an Embassy cocktail party in Helsinki with naval officers...later when my Englishman was a submariner, all in his wardroom carried a card saying, 'Officer RN, Have Submarine, Will Travel'. Only a very poor drawing of a submarine was included, no lady or other bits.

You do know this means those cards have evolved. In the wrong direction...?

Blonde said...

NC: I think it's the presumptuousness of it is almost as irksome as the image on the card. Almost. No. Not a keeper, I don't think.

HC: It was the moustache that particularly got to me. As for the rest of it, I don't think the colours have printed in a particularly flattering fashion...

Caroline: Hello, and thanks for the comment. The incident definitely isn't one I'll forget in a while.

Smidge: I know what you mean. I'm totally torn as to how I feel about this one.

Gordon: Apart from 'huh'? I think it was, "I need another drink, I'll see you back here in a second."

FPD: Was a man in suitably exposed pose. When I get a sec, I'll put up the picture...

Jman: Indeed. I think I'll leave another lucky lass to that particular treat.

Rage: Isn't it just? And more to come...

HH: Y'see, I think a badly-drawn submarine is rather more charming. Though I'm not happy about this level of presumption amongst the Forces. Maybe we should stop telling them we find the uniforms so hot.

cherry21 said...

That was absolutely hilarious! You've made my day. MEN!!!

Brennig said...

Sleazebag. I have cards with my details on but that's just me. But porn cards? And one porn card from the middle of the suit? Sleazebag. Besides, he's army and they're inferior to the Royal Air Force.

theperpetualspiral said...

Sounds like a passing out prank to me!

CoatMan said...

Can't it be sleazy and hysterical at the same time...?

Susie Q said...

You lead one awesome life!

I wouldn't have accepted playing card. He clearly had made the assumption that he was going to get to that point where somebody wanted his number. Had he pulled out a deck of cards and written his number down, it would've been incredibly cute!


Miss V said...

Please read:
Paying special attention to item 3.

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