Monday, 8 March 2010

In which definitions differ

The thing with dating guys who work in PR is that when they tell me they’re busy, I’m inclined to believe them, given the manic pace at which my days generally run. So I wasn’t too worried that it had been a week since I’d seen Sports Nut: I took his busy schedule at face value, and was looking forward to the possibility of catching up with him for a quick lunch in the middle of the madness before I headed to the beautiful ‘Burgh for a long weekend.

My phone went one evening as I was sitting on the train home.

“Hey you, how’s your day been?”

There was some light chatter about days, colleagues, early mornings and apologies for going a bit quiet, but work had been really busy.

“But there is something else as well that I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.”

I felt a slight knot form.

“I had a call from my ex, and we, well, we never really finished things, and she wants us to give it another go, so...”

My heart fell into my stomach.

“I’m really sorry – the past few weeks have been great fun, but...”

In shock, surrounded by fellow commuters, all I could utter was, “Oh.”

“I mean, my head’s in a really weird place, and...”

And at that point, I don’t really know what else he said because I couldn’t really hear him any more.

Thankfully, once I was in the privacy of my own home, I didn’t have to bite the inside of my lip to stop the stinging, angry tears as I called The Metrosexual.

“So, what? I don’t get it? He has a girlfriend?!”

“Apparently so. Or, at least, an ex, with whom things don’t appear to be particularly ex-like.”

JESUS. What a twat.” I love my friends. They do moral indignation when I don’t feel like it. “And he didn’t tell you?”

I chuckled wanly, not having the energy nor the inclination for rage, and thinking back to our first date. “Not only did he not tell me, Met, I distinctly remember asking him, over manchego and quince, because of my previous luck with men, whether he was a) straight, and b) single.”

“Bloody hell.”

“And on our last date, we had a discussion about previous indiscretions; he just apparently didn’t think a current situation worth mentioning. I wouldn't have minded if he'd explained there was a sticky situation - I'd just rather make my decisions based on all the information.”

“So what explanation did he give?”

“He didn’t really, Met, and he’d caught me on a train full of people. I was hardly going to have the conversation, was I?”

There was a pause.

“Jeez, hon, how do you pick ‘em?”

“Don’t know. Thought I was doing okay with this one.” I took a deep breath as I felt the tears start to prickle.

“And you had no idea there was anyone else in the picture?”


“God. Shit, I don’t know what else to tell you. We’re all shits.” He paused. “You liked this one, didn’t you?”

Eyes wet, I nodded at the phone.

"Well, if it had to happen, better that it happened now than six months down the line."

Ten minutes and some platitudes about kissing frogs later, I put down the phone, to find a message from the Nut.

Listen, I honestly thought it was cut and dry. Maybe I’ve been a bit naive. I apologise for catching you in the crossfire.

Naive’s not necessarily the word I’d have chosen. But then, we apparently had different definitions of ‘single’, too.


Blue soup said...

My heart sank as I read this post and I feel bitterly disappointed for you.

I don't want to offer any excuses for Sports Nut but I suppose I am going to.

Technically, I am single.

Emotionally, I am attached to two men at the moment and it's gut wrenching and incredibly confusing.

I know I should see neither at the moment.

I know that TM and I are probably dead in the water and probably have been for much longer than I care to admit, that we've been clinging on to our history and one another in a desperate attempt to make it work.

I met The Designer, with that spark and click and when I am in his company I smile all the time, I laugh more than I have laughed in months. I feel alive and hopeful that life can be good again.

TM and I still talk and it tears at my heart every time. I get off the phone either in tears or on the verge of.

I lie awake at night wondering what to do?

Do I go back to the safety of what I know, a man who loves me and has looked after me through thick and thin, who I do still love but feel a bit tired with?

Or do I take a risk, say to TM that there will be no working it out and we should cut all contact and go cold turkey? Risk that the time I am spending with The Designer will come to nothing?

I sometimes have an overwhelming feeling that I need to just cry off with The Designer. Mutter something about being phenomenally screwed up since Dad died (and he's been there himself just 2.5 years ago so he knows) and forget it all, go crying back to the gentle giant I know so well.

I sometimes think I need to start afresh, let go of TM and give someone new a space in my life that has gotten old and forgotten the fun in love.

So, no excuses, just a few thoughts. Maybe he was just too afraid and slunk back to what he knew?

And your post has certainly given me something to think about.

I am sorry hun x

nuttycow said...

B - I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out with SN. As M said though - if it's any consolation - at least it was now, not 6 months down the line.

Chin up chicken (see, even in sympathy, I still like to illiterate!) and look after yourself. Fancy a trip out to Switzerland?

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Ahh, god. That is heartwrenching.

Like Soup says, sometimes you just go back to what you know.

Been there, and it hurts. But thank god it was early days :(

(PS. I've found tube commuters remarkably indifferent when it comes to crying heartbroken tears on the train. Don't underestimate London's ability to ignore your rants, raves and crying)

Kirses said...

man that sucks. heaven preserve us from exes who havent moved on (this is a comment on a situation I was stuck with for 3 years, not on anyone else situation)

Blonde said...

BS: It’s interesting (and, I think, useful) to have an opinion from someone looking at the same situation from the other side. It can be so easy to get caught up in the disappointment, but actually – as you’ve shown – it’s worth remembering that it can be a less-than-ideal for all concerned. I don’t think either TM or DG would blame you for being confused at the moment, especially given what you’ve been through recently, and I don’t blame him for it either – these things, unfortunately, happen.

NC: Illiterate, or alliterate?!

PDEWYMO: Indeed – better the devil etc. And, as you say, far better that it happened earlier. I do agree on the heartless commuter bit, and I wouldn’t have minded had it been the tube (have shed those tears about the Speckled one before now!), but being a Home County-bound train, these are people I have to see day in day out. A gal’s gotta have a shred of dignity!

Kirses: 3 years?! Yikes. That’s no fun. I’d far rather he had the decency to break it off than putting me through that. Silver linings.

Emily said...

Oh NO!!! I'm so mad at him and sad for you. What a jerk. I hope he feels properly guilty for playing with your feelings and not be honest from the start. Yes, it's better that it's now and not later when you're even more attached, but still that doesn't help the pain now. I feel for you.

roseski said...

Oh no, my heart sank too. How bloody selfish and thoughtless! But definitely better that you found out now, and definitely better that it actually came from him.

(Loving how illiterate NC is!)

Blonde said...

Roseski: Quite - would have been so much worse to hear further down the line.

Other commenters not appearing: play nice.

Fluffy Pink Duck said...

Oooh Blonde, I'm so so sorry. I had this happen to me once. It hurts so much.

I hope the your trip up to Edinburgh will provide some relief from the gloom and consolation. *hug*

P said...


This happened to me last year. I met a guy, we hit it off, went on one date together and on the day of our second date - he text and said he couldn't see me anymore as he and his ex were getting back together. He hadn't even MENTIONED the ex. I was totally blindsided.

Better that you found out early on though - it certainly helped me get over the guy far quicker than I usually would.

Hopefully you will find someone much better soon. (I hope I do too.)

Blonde said...

FPD: Thanks - I find Edinburgh is generally the panacea!

P: He TEXTED you?! Jeez. That's gutless.

watergirl said...

Sorry to read about your boy troubles. At least you know now.. which isn't always the most comforting thing ever but I'm holding onto the idea that it's better to find these things out before they escalate into something even harder to walk away from.
Feelin your pain!
I had a guy end things with me over FACEBOOK this weekend.. March does not seem to be a good month so far!

Kirses said...

well it was more of a geographical failure to move on in the situation I was in, she lived downstairs and made my life quite hard until she eventually found a boyfriend. its a long boring story actually...

Brennig said...

Oh, poor blondie. x

theperpetualspiral said...

Listen, I honestly thought it was cut and dry.

Hmmm, this is the bit that really makes him sound silly.

Sorry to hear about this, hope you are doing okay.

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