Sunday, 26 July 2009

In which I add another disaster to the compendium...

Sometimes, when all other possibilities have been exhausted, a gal will exhale in a defeated manner to her friends that some new chap hasn’t laid a finger on her in weeks worth of dates, and that there’s no other explanation: he must be gay. It’s slightly egotistical, but not said in all seriousness. Generally.

Old Friend and I were on a boat in the early evening sunshine before heading to Derren Brown’s live show. I was making good headway through a large and well-deserved glass of wine after a story for a client got rather larger national pick-up than we had anticipated, grew a life of its own, and took over my week. I don’t know what OF’s excuse was: he's just a drunk, I think.

“Yes, so, I’m giving up the matchmaking,” he said, making his best effort at a disarming grin, which ended up coming off as sheepish.


“Mmm. It turns out that I might have misread a few signals along the way.”


“Mmm. I think I might have misread Rugged Scotsman ever so slightly.”

There it was: the sinking feeling.

Oh? How so?”

“Well, he, er…” A pause. “He spent Saturday night hitting on me.”

A mouthful of Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc almost made its way across the table.


“Yes, well… He appears to er…”

“He’s GAY?!”

“Er, yes…”

I sank back into my chair and tried to lose myself in the gentle rocking of the boat.

“Great. Just bloody great. My dating record which, let’s be honest, can’t be described as glowing at the best of times, now includes a failed dalliance with a gay guy.”

“Well, on the bright side, it does mean that even though he didn’t try and sleep with you, there’s probably nothing wrong with you. Although, I suppose it’s possible that, if he wasn’t gay before, it only took three dates with you to turn him.” He drained his glass. “Come on, time to go.”

For a moment, I considered pushing OF overboard, contemplating the satisfying splash he’d make as he hit the grubby waters of the Thames. And then I reconsidered: maybe it’s time to throw myself over the edge instead.


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